Naruto Catches a Goblin
by JellyfishBlues
Summary: In which Naruto catches a goblin, claims that Sasuke laughs like a monkey, sort of learns to read, and other tales of idiocy. :: Oneshot compilation :: ongoing :: much stupider than it sounds ::
1. Naruto Catches a Goblin

Naruto woke to a shadow drifting across his face. His room was dark save the harvest moon light pouring in through the windows. In the silvery murk came a chitter, a scratching on the floorboards. Bits of dark flickered at the far corners of his room, beneath his dresser, curling out from beneath his bed. An inexplicable chill raised the hairs on his neck.

Something wandered out of his bathroom. Something soundless, hulking. Naruto felt fear; the sleepy, sickly fear of dreams seep into his back, and he drew the sheets tight around his shoulders. But what good would fabric do against those claws, those gorilla-thick arms brushing along the floorboards, Naruto wondered.

Slowly, ponderously, the thing thumped over to his bed, the silhouette a swirl of moonlight and thick tar as it crosses the cone of light from his window. It eased down then, fingers like spider legs curling around the bottom bedpost, and slid beneath the rusted frame. When the last of its bulk fell beneath the edge of Naruto's futon, Naruto took a gasping breath, and let lose the fart he'd been holding in.

"Thank god that was gonna kill m- OH GOD BLARG-

It all happened so quickly. The beast was upon him at once. Naruto shed his covers and drew up his lamp from the nightstand to his left, the bulb sparking once as the cord tore from the wallsocket, a flicker of light dancing up a heavyset body; all glistening oil and nails.

Naruto struck. The moth-eaten lampshade flew to pieces over the beast's shoulders, bulb popping, tossing glass over its head. It gave a cry like two boulders rubbing together. A sound Naruto more felt than heard, like the rumble of a distant earthquake. One massive arm drew back and dashed him against the wall, then closed around his midsection and tossed him back, where he bashed against the far wall and fell to the floor, breath knocked out of him.

Naruto stumbled up, one arm cradling his gut, the other holding the bottom half of a five-dollar lamp. The beast started towards him, blood like jelly oozing from a wound on its temple. Naruto cried out and hurled the lamp at it, but the lack of breath and pulsing double vision must have been affecting him more than he expected because the porcelain curved right and exploded through his one good windowpane.

"Monster! Asshole!" Naruto retreaded to his bathroom - at least he tried to, instead the doorframe ran up and smacked him in in the face and knocked him back on his ass. He gasped and flailed over onto his side as the inky darkness rose up and crashed down where his face used to be. He pushed himself up and hopped back, and it must have been the adrenaline or the bowel-clenching terror pulsing in his ears because Naruto somehow managed to lift his entire four-drawer wooden dresser and hurl it like a Frisbee. The thing spun through the air, ejecting drawers like escape pods full of "clean" clothes, wadded up socks, empty beer cans and slick plastic tops from instant ramen packages. Was that his wallet? A clump of wadded up coupons and weathered yen flashed in the moonlight and was gone.

"Oh fuck you!" He had a brand new door right next to his first one.

The beast grew then, in the dark. Tired, frustrated. So much rage. Eyes boiled up along the face, shoulders broadened and hunched, brushed the ceiling as the legs thickened and stretched. Still blood drew from the wound on what passed for its temple, and oozed to the floor. The stench of it, of all of it made Naruto take a step back, and he felt the wall press against his shoulder blades.

Was this it, Naruto wondered. Not a bad way to go. Fighting, screaming, make it earn every drop of his blood. Maybe give it some interesting new scars to explain to its fellow monsters. His death would become legend, his corpse the stuff of campfire-stories. The thing drew closer, slowly, always slowly. Not due to the measure of its bulk, there was a steady confidence, an arrogance.

Mashijo the Strangler left three prostitutes in the gutters before AnBu tracked him down, black weeping lines around their necks, eyes bulging. Couldn't get it up unless he watched. Was Naruto giving the monster a rock hard boner? Fuck, now that was all he could think about. His death would be much less heroic if he was raped to death. Then it would just be sad. No one would talk about it. No one would applaud his sacrifice. They'd just act mournful and pretend he meant something for a few days and move on with their lives. Well fuck that. Fuck all of that.

Naruto's will tempered, then, in the dark. He tossed his shoulders back, drew up his fists, his chin held high. His target was in sight. He would not be forgotten.

* * *

"Holy shit, you guys!"

Eight in the morning and already Naruto was up and shrieking. The June bugs that had, until that moment, lulled Sasuke into a silent, vacant-stared complacency, cut out as though they'd lost power. The boy shuddered deep in his spine.

"You guys, holy shit you guys seriously!"

Kiba, not two chairs away and balanced horribly on the rear legs of his chair, sighed and clapped down to earth. Akamaru continued to seize on his head in that peculiar way dogs do when unable to find footing, smushing Kiba's cheeks and jamming his paws in the boy's mouth as he spoke. "Goddamnit."

"Seriously you guys, you don't even know! You don't even – fuck you! Just _fuck you guys_! Oh my god seriously!"

Naruto wasn't even halfway to the academy, how he managed to project was nothing short of miraculous. Shikamaru, off to the side in the one window-row chair with shade, made a nasal, sort of phlegmy noise from his throat, and rubbed his face into his crossed arms. "Why." He said. "Why is this a thing."

"Youguysdon'tevenohmygooooo-" Naruto wasn't even saying words anymore, just making noises that built and built until they muddled to an incomprehensible shriek with pitch and volume like a bandsaw chewing through linoleum. Sasuke crinkled his brow down at his hands, and balled up his fingers in unhealthily repressed rage. God did Sasuke hate Naruto. He'd make sure to tell him that when he arrived.

"OOOOOOOO-" Naruto exploded through the newly repaired window in a shower of glass and landed square in his seat, as was his morning ritual. Then he turned and said without pause, "I caught a goblin!"

* * *

"I hate you." Sasuke said.

"Hi Sasuke." Naruto's selective hearing whipped into action.

"Bullshit." Said Kiba. "Just no."

"I know, you're skeptical. Captain Skeptic. _skiba_. Skiba the Sk-"

"Shut up."

"I was skibtical at first too, but I know what I caught, and I caught a goddamn night-monster goblinpants." Naruto spread his hands imploringly, "Seriously, guys, come on. This is big news."

Kiba started laughing. "You are an idiot."

"He's right, you are." Sasuke said.

Naruto deflated a bit, and then swelled up once more like the endless tide, "Perhaps you aren't understanding me. I'm telling you I literally caught a goblin. In my house. I have a goblin in my house. There is a go-"

"You know, Sasuke." Kiba said, "with you, I figure just looking at you, if I'd never met you, I'd assume that you're the child of a dysfunctional marriage. But Naruto… you quite clearly have no parents. That has never been more obvious to me than at this moment, right now."

"You guys, there is literally a goblin tied up in my living room right now." Naruto figured if he repeated himself enough things would just work themselves out. "You have to come see it. Right now."

"At best you have a raccoon tied up." Sasuke said, "A raccoon that is completely losing its shit."

"Worst case you're in for kidnapping." Kiba said. "Which would be cool because then you would go away for a while."

"Oh you." Naruto flapped his hand good-naturedly. "But seriously you guys, I literally caught a goblin, and I tied it up with my least favorite shirt. I also might have beaten the shit out of it."

"Naruto," Kiba began, "even if goblins were actually a thing, which they aren't, you are just not physically capable of that. A goblin would _wreck_ you. You would die, horribly. A horrible, painful goblin death."

"Like you can talk," Naruto scoffed, "I beat you every time we spar."

"Cause you fucking _fart_ all the time." said Kiba, "There is something wrong, something _seriously wrong_ with your digestive system."

"Look - you guys are missing the point," Naruto said, and stood; a breeze from the window saved Kiba from another unfortunate experience. "I am not lying. Look at me. Completely flaccid, you guys know I get hard when I lie. I fought a goblin to submission, tied it up, it is in my house right now. We are all going to look at it and mock it. Right now."

Kiba glanced down at Naruto's pants for a few moments. "… Holy shit he's telling the truth."

"Occam's Razor: you're an idiot." Sasuke said. "You eat nothing but ramen, all that salt probably shriveled your brain."

Naruto inflated with an ultimatum. "If there is not a goblin in my house I will _pay each of you twenty bucks_."

* * *

"You better goddamn pay up." Sasuke said. They crossed the halfway point in the stairwell and rounded a corner up ahead. The further up they got the better the condition of the complex, less footprints, less wear and tear, but more dust and more nature. Dead vines curled around support struts, scratches like the death-scrawl of a fatally wounded raccoon appeared here and there on the walls. On the fifth flight, they rounded the corner and stepped over a homeless man hanging over the stairs, completely limp and oblivious but for the hand clenched around a wide-mouth bottle of liquor. Naruto spoke.

"So, it was last night. I was sleeping, and then I woke up and it was there, coming out of my bathroom. And it just attacked."

"You probably farted or something." Kiba said. "I'd attack you too."

"No I did not." Naruto said. "…So we're squaring off, and I'm just a total badass just goddamn ninja'ing all over the place-

_The beast fell upon him like a great wave, a sea of tar and teeth and stink. Naruto leapt to the side, back, eyes barely following the streaks of movement in the dark. Something caught him in the gut and hurled him back, but he dropped low and caught himself, falling into a runners pose. He launched, ducked under the punch, rolled over the kick, found himself beneath the beast. _

"I get under it -

_From there the beast seems to dwarf him. The legs as thick as his torso, hips towering above his head. But that didn't matter. His post-mortem reputation was at stake. Naruto saw his target above his head. He hunkered down, building elastic tension for the longest moment of his life. _

"and I take that fucker _out_."

_Naruto punched the monster in the dick like it was going out of style. It tensed, struck dumb. Naruto continued to wail away, and started screaming a bit, though he would leave that part when he recounted this adventure to his two children, Naruto and Naruto. Naruto screamed and flailed away until the sun rose, then tore his least favorite shirt to shreds and went to work. Then he took a nap because he was so goddamn tired._

"How does that work. Like you took out the knees? Sweep the leg? We're missing an important step in your takedown." Said Kiba. "Like, the most important step. The only step." Kiba made sure to step on the next drunk the passed. "And good lord do you live on the _moon_?"

"Eighth floor jackass." Naruto said. "it's called cardio. Also, I just punched the shit out of it. Not that complicated. End of story. And then I tied it up I mean, then end of story."

"We're here and you're both idiots." Sasuke said. "Naruto, open the door and you better pay up."

"Oh ye of little dick." Naruto said. Then laughed at his wittiness. "Oh me, and my wordplay," he said, "anyways, yeah you're an idiot. C'mon in dipshit." Naruto opened his door in the same way he always did, by mashing a closed fist against the nob and pretending he had a key. So far, the fact that anyone watching would assume his door locked had deterred any break-ins, and he was not about to mess with success. Naruto made a clicking noise with his mouth and ushered them both inside.

Sakura laid out on the floor clutching at her crotch and weeping, a strip of orange fabric tied around her ankles.

Kiba started cackling. "Naruto, you _jackass_."

"What did I tell you." Naruto said, chest puffed up with pride. "Goblin. Right here."

Sasuke could only shake his head. "Naruto, you jackass."

"What's with those shitty reactions?" Naruto said, "A goddamn goblin is right here guys."

"That's Sakura." Said Sasuke. "That is literally just Sakura."

Naruto furrowed his brow at Sasuke, then at Sakura's weeping form, then back at Sasuke. "The fuck are you playing at? It's a goblin. The hook nose-"

"Sakura."

"The crazy gibbering language and crinkly skin-"

"Sakura, man." Kiba said. "The hell's the matter with you."

"But- but the pointy ears and the insatiable mining lust-"

"Still just Sakura." Sasuke said.

"The DICK! The fucking DICK!" Naruto said. "I punched it like twenty times!"

"That's not even a thing here." Kiba said. "You're just an idiot."

"You're an _idiot_." Sasuke said.

Naruto crossed his arms and huffed. "Well screw you guys anyways."

* * *

**END**


	2. Rumor Has it,Sasuke Laughs Like a Monkey

"Rumor has it, Sasuke laughs like a monkey."

"I… What?" Kiba lifted his head and turned to Naruto, a red imprint of his fist on his cheek, "The hell does that mean?"

"Well," Naruto said, and leaned in conspiratorially, "you know how Sasuke doesn't have an emotional level above Postpartum depression?"

"Yeah." Said Kiba.

"Well, rumor has it, that he doesn't laugh, ever…" Naruto leaned in further, a little too close. Kiba actively leaned back so they wouldn't smash their faces together. "…because he laughs like a _monkey_."

"Naruto," Kiba began, "you've seen a monkey exactly once, and it tried to rape you."

"Shut the fuck up Kiba!" Naruto shrieked. Shikamaru snapped awake so violently he front-flipped over his table.

"… Also," Kiba continued, taking a moment to collect his thoughts, "what does that even mean? Like he makes monkey noises? Or like he laughs like a monkey laughs?"

"Nobody knows…" Naruto said mysteriously.

"It's a rumor dipshit, someone has to know or else you're just making this up."

"Iruka told me, whatever, fuck you."

"Wow you're extra crazy today man."

Naruto did have the unpredictable air of a man dangerously high on elephant tranquilizers. "We're doing this." He said. "That's what's gonna happen next."

* * *

"How the hell do we even test this?" Kiba said, "He hasn't laughed at anything, ever, yet."

Naruto's face screwed up as he tried to access his brain. "I think he laughed that one time when I set that guy on fire, remember?"

Kiba snorted. "Oh yea, that shit was crazy. We probably couldn't hear him over the screaming?"

"Ha ha. Ah, I'm getting all nostalgic and shit." Naruto said, and sighed wistfully. For only a moment, he yearned for those carefree days of his youth. Also for Shiro to come back to life god rest his crispy soul. "Wait, didn't we hate that guy?"

"Indeed we did." Kiba said, and they high-fived. "So: Sasuke, laugh, how to. Etcetera."

"Well," Naruto scratched his head, "I figure we could go for broke and just set someone on fire again."

Kiba shook his head. "You are underestimating how serious that shit was, man. You should have gone to prison. I still don't know how you got out of that."

"Well why don't you just bend me over, drop my pants, and _make me a cup of tea_, because that shit is inconvenient."

"I keep forgetting how stupid you are." Kiba said. "I don't think there's anything we can really do, man. He just doesn't laugh."

"Wrong again, whoreface." Said Naruto, "he does laugh, at people burning to death."

"I can't say this enough: _you should be in jail._"

"Well Jimminy my crickets" Naruto said, not entirely sure what was going on, "that sucks megatits."

"What the hell are you on."

"Fuck you that's what." Said Naruto. Or maybe Sasuke said it, Naruto wasn't sure. Wait, who was he? Well, whatever. "As much as it pains me to say it, I think we're out of options. As in, we never actually had options. Other than fire."

"You know," Kiba began, leaning back, "I didn't actually know or care about this thirty seconds ago, but now for some reason I care. So we need to know. Today. Right now, in fact. Like, now. Fucking _now_." Kiba sat up again, eyes set, brow firm, butt clenched. He then said the stupidest thing he had ever said. "Naruto, set someone on fi - OH GOD BLARG"

"UU-UU-UUU-_AAH_-_AAH._"

* * *

**END**

* * *

_an/ old chapter 2 (patchwork girlfriend) removed because it was pretty blarg. _


	3. Naruto Does All the Drugs

Naruto was falling when she spoke. Her voice chased down after him as he fell into a sea of darkening blues and purples and greens. Above she was reaching out to him, calling. He was only getting further away. He fell into a deep sadness, a melancholy; the hissing rush of the ocean closing in overhead. He called out to her. He tried to. Nothing but air and hoarse whispers.

"… arut.."

Her voice again. Lost in the white noise. Naruto couldn't make heads or tails of it. Above, way above so far he could barely see, a patch of blue parted and a face he distantly recognized poked through. Brown eyes, dark hair. Red triangles.

"Wake up dipshit, you're late." Kiba said. What an awful thing for someone to say, Naruto thought. Especially to someone falling an inordinately long distance to their eventual death. No class, that boy. Purple and blue swirled around his head, and coalesced into a hand. Naruto reached out his own hand to complete the high five he assumed it was going for, spirits already raising. It slapping him across the face.

"Asshole" Kiba's phantom face called down from on high, "wake up. Right now."

The floating hand smacked him good again. "Stop." Naruto said, and felt the most peculiar feeling tingle up and down his body. "Stop damn you." He moved head around from the neck up, blue and purple whirling, wind roaring in his ears, taking shot after shot to his face. Naruto groped out with a hand instinctively, his forearm stretching up and up like elastic, all the way up to Kiba's face in big twisting loops. He then grabbed hold because it made sense.

"Oh what the fuck man leggo-"

Naruto woke to himself grabbing on to Kiba's face. "Aww god" he said, flinching away from the light at the kitchen window. He was covered in sweat, face slick with oil. A steady pounding pulsed in his head, pushing out on his eyes. He moved his legs and heard plastic pill bottles click together beneath the covers.

"Ugh." Kiba made a sound that Naruto hated and straightened up, wandering over to the kitchen. "You're late man." He said while Naruto tried to get his bearings, blinking exaggeratedly, tossing his head about, stretching his jaw. What a night. Why had he-

"Really late." Kiba said. "Are you sick? If you are-"

"'M not sick." Naruto said. "Not sick." What was he trying to accomplish? Three empty ramen bowls on his nightstand, the slick plastic tops down by his feet, stuck to the covers. It smelled like must. Like mothballs. Like cottonmouth.

"You sound and look and smell sick." Kiba rifled through Naruto's cupboards for a clean glass, every clink setting Naruto cringing. "And since you so kindly decided to grab my face, I can say with some degree of confidence that you also taste sick. It always smells like shame in here, that's nothing new."

Naruto sat up with some difficulty. Reached up and felt the bags around his eyes with his fingers. A piece of paper pinned to his fridge by the bottom corner, the sheet hanging down limp, the barest bit of black seeping through. All his forks were gone. A circle drawn on his window in blue ink, marking the spot where a finch had perched on the railing outside. Naruto flexed his legs, empty plastic clacks. All of them? Why had he taken all of them. What the hell had possessed him to take all of them.

"You look like hell, man." Kiba had arrived at his bedside sometime during his introspection. Mug in hand, brown with a chipped handle. He offered and Naruto took, and it tasted like iron. Like bitter air. Naruto drank it anyways and set the mug on his nightstand. The words 'left' and 'right' on his right and left foot, respectively, in black ink. A monkey's fist knot on his shoelaces. A lock of his hair in the soil of his pet fern, dug in like a taproot.

Kiba shook his head slowly; a pinched, weary sort of expression. "Man, if you don't wanna go I'll tell him you're sick." He said. "But you gotta decide now."

Naruto said nothing, only looked down at his feet for a few moments. Then up, over at his window, the blue circle. "I uh." He blinked, rolled over a bit and got both his feet on the floor, careful not to rustle the bottles. "I'm good. Good. I'm fine, really." He said, the emphasis was all wrong like he'd never quite tried that combination of words together before. "Give me a minute to shower. Dress." His jaws of a shark nightcap was over on his lamp, eating the bulb; the pearlescent white teeth had glowed in the night. Eyes burning red. No forks, it had said. What a lovely voice it'd had. But it was quiet now.

Naruto shook his head. Kiba was looking at him. How long had he been thinking? A minute? An hour?

"Alright. If you want." Kiba said. Evidently it had been about a second. "Take your time, man. You look like hell. Late night?"

"Or something." Naruto said, and stood, head lolling. "or other." Kiba was gone, cream colored walls around him, steam pouring over his back. He was in the shower? When had that happened. In his left hand; a loofa. In his right, nothing. But he felt something there. Cool metal, jagged edges. His keys.

He was standing outside, clothed, dried. Looking down at his keys.

"Well, let's go then." Kiba said beside him.

"… Yeah." Said Naruto.

Down the stairwell, past his landlord's cracked door, into the open streets. The shops and houses were a lot taller than Naruto remembered. It was as if he stood beneath them all at once, looking up so they appeared to reach the clouds. His chest hurt. Only on deep breaths, only when he didn't use his diaphragm.

"Well?" Kiba was looking at him, an odd sort of look. Naruto wasn't sure what to say. What to think. Everything was in such harsh contrast, sky too bright, road too dark, cracks like streaks of black lightning running through the dirt. It was no quieter than it ever was, but it seemed to be. It was all he could hear, how quiet everything was. "Well, man?" Kiba said again.

"Hmm?" Naruto heard himself say.

"You're fourteen, man," Kiba said, "what the hell were you up for."

Quiet again. Voices, yes, but they didn't register. Laughing, chiding, hawking wares, little shitfaced children. Just white noise, hear it long enough and it becomes nothing. "Nothing, really." He said. Mouth still dry. Felt like it would always be dry. Naruto nodded. "Yeah, just about nothing."

"Doesn't look like nothing."

"It's an expression. Hyperbole. Nothing looks like nothing. If it did then it would be nothing and you wouldn't have seen it in the first place." Words poured out of Naruto's mouth without him really understanding their significance. He was just making noises. A burst of flame jutted up from a crack further along the dirt road and Naruto thought nothing of it.

Kiba blinked. Considered. "That is accurate." He said. Walked through the flame pluming from the tear in the road, went ablaze. Naruto looked at him, an eerie sort of calm washing over him. He should be more concerned. He knew that. But he felt nothing. "Rude. Confusing. Pretty sure it's not hyperbole. But fairly accurate." Kiba said. Crackling, charring. The smell of him…

"Mm." Naruto could only watch in morbid curiosity. "You feeling alright?"

"Fine." Kiba said. "Why?"

"No reason." Naruto said to Iruka. The man was angry. Annoyed. But above that, through that, he was concerned. It showed on his face. His brow softened.

"Alright, Naruto… Just. Go sit down." Naruto heard him distantly, as if they were standing in a corridor, far apart. When had they gotten to the academy? Kiba was over in his seat, that same odd look on his face. Not burnt anymore. That was good. Good for Kiba.

"Ok." Sakura opened her mouth, then stilled, as if she were about to say something but thought better of it. Her tongue played on her bottom lip, and Naruto got caught up in the way her lip-gloss shined the light. What had she asked him? When had they spoken? Iruka was at his desk for the moment, glossing over a packet of paper. Naruto could hear him turning the pages, feel the rasping scratch on his skin. It made him shudder.

Sakura looked concerned and that sort of made him feel good, if only in a really stupid way. "Really." He said, because it felt like the right thing to say.

She nodded hesitantly and turned back to her work. A sheet of paper before her. Twirling a pencil in her fingers. A test. Naruto had one too, he noted. He couldn't read it. The words were there, he could recognize them, say them in his head, but the meaning was gone. Just sounds passing in one ear and out the other like a banner.

How long had he been sitting there, Naruto wondered. Felt like ages, seconds, heaps of seconds individually. What was he anxious for, worried about, what was he rushing home to. But still an air of tense impatience hung over him. He couldn't help it. Naruto glanced down. The pencil in his hand wiggled free, clattered down off his desk, and skittered off into the hall.

"Iruka," Naruto said, "my pencil ran away."

A few people laughed here and there. Iruka glanced up, saw Naruto clearly holding a pencil in his right hand. Iruka didn't know what to make of it. "…Get back to work, Naruto."

How on earth did Iruka think he could do his test without a pencil, Naruto wondered. Crazy gibberish that it was. He looked over, Sakura was already done. Now she was double or triple or quadruple checking, green eyes flickering back and forth, eraser tapping on her lips.

"Naruto."

Naruto turned. In that split second of motion blindness the classroom had become dark. Quiet. It was just him and Iruka, as far as he could tell, the man supporting himself with his left hand on the table, index finger and thumb tapping. Iruka's mouth moved. Sounds came out. Naruto couldn't understand, it was all muffled, garbled like he was underwater.

"Hmm?" Naruto hummed, matching tones with the whirring of his refrigerator. The sun was almost down, a faint blue circle stretching up, across his room and barely grazing the far wall. When had he gotten home, Naruto wondered. What had he said to Iruka to let him go home. There was a sadness, regret, shame, but it was distant. As if it belonged to someone else. He ignored it easily. Things would be better tomorrow, Naruto thought, as he ate, showered, squeezed into bed. Things are always better tomorrow. He reached out to turn off the light and settled down, drawing the covers over his shoulders. He shut his eyes.

"You're late again, man." Kiba said. Warm light poured in through the window, a blue circle stretched out on his floor. Naruto blinked. And blinked. And sighed.

"Just give a minute." He said. Iruka frowned, but more than that, he seemed disappointed. "I only need a minute." Sakura seemed concerned. The way she held herself; shoulders off, brow furrowed, uncertain. "I'll be better tomorrow." Naruto said. "I'll get up on time tomorrow."

"Just give me a minute."

* * *

**END**


	4. Wait, What?

"No way." Kiba said. "That is not possible."

Sasuke shook his head, expression dour as if he were at that moment, somehow feeling bad for Kiba. "Think of everything, literally everything he's ever done. You know it's true."

"_Fuck you_ it's true. It can't be true!" Kiba said, and stood, overcome with passion. "He's my goddamn best friend! What the hell does that say about me that he's my best friend if that's true!"

The logical fallacies caressed Sasuke's ego like an ornery lover. Sasuke ignored them because he was Sasuke. "I'm sorry, man. I am. Well, I mean, I'm not. Not really, at all. Even a little. But - it's true either way."

"Naruto is _not_ _retarded_!"

* * *

"Books. Hand-eye coordination. Social skills. Basic math. He knows none of these things." Sasuke ticked off his fingers one by one, the resulting bird-flipping pissed off Kiba more than he could ever express.

"I saw him with a book yesterday." Kiba ground out.

"Porn." Said Sasuke. "Disgusting, disgusting porn."

"The articles-"

"If he was reading the articles we would both respect him even less, you know this."

Kiba's face scrunched up and he ground his fist onto his desk. Goddamn Naruto's illiteracy. "There's – he lives alone. Alone, man. He'd be dead."

"He _should_ be dead." Sasuke said, plainly. "Literally, he should be dead right now. He eats nothing but ramen – salt and carbs. And chalk. Remember? Remember when we convinced him that it was candy?"

"Th… Bu… H-" Kiba made noises.

"The whole thing, Kiba. He ate the entire bucket of chalk. All of it."

"Hey you can't – He-"

"Twenty four pieces, _two pounds_. Two _pounds_ of chalk, Kiba."

"Maybe!" Kiba began about thirty decibels too loud, and reigned it in before he broke anything, "It tasted – good! To him because you don't know! If his tongue is different! Than yours because fuck you!"

Kiba's stupidity was giving Sasuke a contact high. Sasuke took a moment to collect himself. "What you just said is stupid, so I am ignoring it." He said. "If you pretended that he wasn't your friend for a moment, which should be easy because we all hate each other, you'd realize how obvious this is."

"I don't have to true pretend if fuck you!" Kiba said. "Furthermore – I prove that – not. Retarded! Now!"

* * *

The walls had lost a good bit of paint to what seemed to be a horde of raccoons since they'd last visited Naruto's apartment, like it been sight to the world's furriest, scratchiest war. Kiba performed a tuck-and-roll maneuver, and some time during the period where he rolled onto his back and ended up on his feet, Sasuke had walked over and peered in through the window.

"I think he forgot how time works again." Sasuke said.

Kiba stumbled up and over and smashed his face against the window, cracking the glass a bit. Naruto was on his couch in his pajamas, watching tv.

"Uh." Kiba said, "maybe he just didn't want to go in tod-"

"I have like three years before class starts!" Naruto said, ostensibly to himself. "This is awesome!"

"Why would he…" Kiba trailed off, feeling somehow let down. He turned to Sasuke and said, "Well either way, he doesn't forget all the time. I mean, this only happens like once a week."

"... Now he is eating mashed potatoes." Sasuke said.

Kiba turned. Apparently, some time during the period where Kiba had looked over at Sasuke and then looked back, Naruto had gotten a tub of mashed potatoes, and was now shoveling them into his mouth at an incredible pace.

"No. Naruto, don't." Kiba shook his head. "You're – no don't DON'T-"

Naruto plopped a spoonful onto the potted plant on his coffee table.

"I'm not sorry, Kiba." Sasuke admitted. "But you needed to know or something."

"_Why_ would he – Wait… Wh."

The dollop of mashed potatoes sunk into to the soil like water, the leaves taking on a vibrant green hue like a time-lapse shot of a sprouting fern. "Excellent, Minnistroné," Naruto said with an inexplicably Italian accent, "Grow beeg and strung."

"What the fuck!?"

"Ignore it." Sasuke said, grabbing Kiba's shoulder and turning him away from the madness. "We'll deal with that later, right now you need to accept the truth. Naruto. Is. A _retard_. Accept it."

"That's not true!" Kiba said, tears biting at the corners of his eyes, "That's impossible!" He tore away from Sasuke's hand and moved to the window.

Naruto's plant had kept growing, up to the ceiling and out to the floor, leaves like dinner plates, stem thickening to the girth of his arm. Naruto stood and watched it, making beckoning gestures, an eerie smile on his face. "GUUD MINNISTRONNÉ!" He bellowed, "GUUD!"

"Oh what the fuuuuuh." Kiba was exasperated if anything. Naruto had grabbed his tub of mashed potatoes and was chucking handfuls at the growing plant. "_Why_ Naruto. _Why_."

Sasuke sighed like he was somehow saddened by the sight before him. "You need to admit it, if only to yourself. Say it."

"No." Kiba said reflexively, and turned from the window. "No. He's not, I just know it."

"WA- N – MINNISTRONNÉ WHAT ARE YOU DUUING? NO – MINNISTRONNÉ NOOOOOOOOON!"

Naruto's dessicated corpse exploded through the window and over the railing.

A distant thump punctuated Kiba's proclamation. "I'm leaving" he said, and started down the stairs.

"Naruto is a retard." Sasuke called after him.

"Nope."

* * *

**END**


	5. Kiba Teaches Naruto to Read, Sort of

Naruto's finger inched along the page, producing a dry, rasping scratch that put Sasuke on edge despite the fact that he was seated two rows away and could not even hear it. When Sasuke wanted to take issue with something he found a way. Naruto squinted and leaned into the open book on his desk, really eyeing the shit out of a line that gave him pause.

Kiba started tearing up a little, though he would never admit it. It was like Naruto was his own, special little guy, and he was finally all grown up. And by special he meant retarded. And by 'all grown up' he meant no longer illiterate.

"Use your phonetics." Kiba goaded, "c'mon, work it out."

Naruto grunted and seemed to writhe in his seat, as though the act caused him significant strain. "S… See… See spo… _Spah… _See spot ruh… S… See spot runnn."

"Wow." Kiba said. "Don't freak out, but I am genuinely proud of you."

"Holy _fucktits_ look at that little _bastard_ run." Naruto said, jabbing at the dog on the page. "That little kid's chasing him and he doesn't even _give_ a fuck."

"Well hey, let's not get too caught up." Kiba said. "Next page, keep it up. You're learning, man. You are _actually_ learning something."

"Pff." Naruto scoffed at the next page, gesturing that the little boy chasing after the dog. "Look at this little shithead trying to catch Spot." He leaned it and shouted as though the boy would hear him, "you're not gonna catch him motherfucker! He's fucking off the chain and doesn't play by the rules!"

"Yeah, read though." Kiba said. "You can comment after you read-"

Naruto turned the page and gasped. "Holy fuck - go Spot go! Run motherfucker they're onto you! Holy hell this shit is intense! The fuck did you find this book Kiba?"

Kiba's mouth opened. He sat there, mouth slightly agape as Naruto turned the page.

"Oh FUCK they got him! Spot! SPOT! Fucking someone _get in there and help him_!"

"No, I mean it's a _book-"_

"I'LL SAVE YOU!" Naruto leaped head-first into the book, violently knocking himself unconscious and splitting the table in half. Two rows away, Sasuke slowly pinched the bridge of his nose.

Iruka, poised at the front of the room and ready to continue his lecture, smacked his lips. "Kiba." He said. "This is why we don't teach Naruto things."

Kiba turned away from Naruto's prone maybe-corpse, shaking his head. "Uh. My bad."

"Did you learn your lesson?" Iruka asked.

"Fuckin'_ I_ _guess_."

"And that's why I'm the teacher."

* * *

**END**

* * *

_an: These oneshots all start as one-liners. The outline for this one was: "Naruto shouts at picturebook: 'run motherfucker!'" Thus is the burning intellect you are dealing with. **  
**_

_Also, Blarb: your intentions are still unclear to me.  
_


	6. DecoyDoll Naruto Dies an Honorable Death

"Why is it always us?"

Kiba's question wasn't directed at anyone. Nevertheless Sasuke felt compelled to answer it, in some capacity. He looked at Kiba. Kiba looked at him.

Sasuke spit in Kiba's face. Metaphorically. "Because you are worthless, and I am the only one willing to physically and _painfully_ restrain him."

"Pheh." Said Kiba. "_Pheh_."

Then they were standing at the base of Naruto's apartment complex, the thing seeming to stretch up into the clouds. Sasuke cracked his knuckles. Kiba sneezed.

Up the stairs next; every step an ominous creak, every turn heartpounding. More than once they were forced to retreat around a corner as a bum, drunk, or extraordinarily large raccoon tripped and rolled down the stairs at them.

Halfway up the complex a stair gave beneath Kiba's foot, and he fell through. He caught the railing though only barely, and started calling for help. Sasuke tried to go on without him but Kiba eventually realized that he could just let go and drop about three feet to the flight beneath.

On the seventh flight they came upon an impasse. A raccoon sat in the exact middle of the stairs, watching them intently. Neither one of them wanted to go near it or touch it, but still expected the other to do so in their place. So they stood and stared at a raccoon for three minutes, the raccoon staring back, unblinking, unmoving.

Then the raccoon drew a paw across its throat and pointed at Sasuke. Sasuke blew a fireball at it.

On the eighth flight another raccoon barred their way by virtue of being a raccoon. It tried to make them answer a riddle but Sasuke blew another fireball.

Then at last they stood before Naruto's door, both feeling more unmotivated than they'd ever been in their entire lives.

"I could burn it down, you know." Sasuke said, quietly.

"It'd probably give him superpowers." Kiba replied, and knocked. "Naruto," he called, "Iruka sent us to get you. It's been two days and he's a little worried that you died."

No response. Kiba knocked again, harder, while Sasuke peered in through the window. It was dark in Naruto's apartment, the only light the sun at his back. He could see what looked like Naruto's hair poking out from under his bed, though it could have just been that damn Decoy Naruto Doll he'd made a few weeks back. "He's under the bed, maybe." Sasuke said. "Hard to tell with him."

Kiba glanced at him. "What, again? Alright." He banged on the door. "Naruto, I and everyone with a brain knows that your door doesn't lock. We're coming in, so if you're doing something shameful prepare to get laughed at."

Kiba opened the door and they stepped inside. Immediately they noticed something odd in the air, but it was hard to place. Just vague, shapeless dread. Sasuke and Kiba shared a glance and approached the bed.

"Naruto, if that's your Decoy Doll I'm setting it on fire." Said Sasuke. It turned out to be Naruto beneath his bed, because the boy poked out his head long enough to frantically shush them both.

"What is this." Said Kiba. "What are you doing."

"Shhh!" Another shush from Naruto.

Sasuke grimaced, feeling the completely rational urge to spit fireballs bubble in his gut. "Naruto, get out from under there. We're going to class. All of us. Now."

"Keep your goddamn voice _down_." Naruto whispered frantically. "It'll hear you."

They both sighed. Kiba said, "what will hear us, Naruto?"

Naruto looked both ways before he spoke, as if he were about to cross the street of language. "the spider."

"The spider?"

"Shh." Naruto shushed them a third time. "Yes, the spider. It's in here. With us. _Watching_."

"And you chose to hide beneath your bed?" Said Sasuke.

"More importantly" Kiba said, "you pulled this same shit a week ago and it turned out to be a _fucking aphid_."

"I _know_ what I _saw_." Naruto hissed. "It is big. A big spider. It got Decoy Doll Naruto, It took him from me."

"Good." Sasuke said. "I'm _glad_."

Kiba crossed his arms, feeling put out with the entire situation. "Naruto, if there is a spider, just walk out with us right now. Just literally walk out. We got _in_. The door is right there, like six feet away."

"It's here." Naruto said. "I know it is. It wants me to try and escape. Just like Decoy Doll Naruto did."

Sasuke was about to insult Naruto's intelligence while simultaneously harming him, physically, when a commotion came from behind them, and Sasuke and Kiba both turned to look.

A smoldering raccoon charged in through the open door, and rose up on its hind legs. It took stock of them and roared with the voice of a god, "you didst not answereth mine riddle, heathen! Whatst beith beige and maroon and reeketh of swine-

A spider the size of a dresser dropped down from the shadows of the ceiling and fell upon the raccoon, which went silent at once.

Sasuke and Kiba didn't say or do anything. Only stared blankly at the spider as it picked up the raccoon with its forceps and dragged it into the bathroom, the raccoon's claws screeching occasionally as they caught on Naruto's floor.

Sasuke and Kiba blinked, and glanced at each other, and a long moment passed where neither was sure what to say or do. Then Kiba's head tilted back to allow the full measure of his lungs to come to bear in his shriek. Sasuke jammed his fist in Kiba's mouth before he could so much as inhale, albeit while making a sound much like a bleating goat himself. Then Naruto leapt into action, grabbing them both by their ankles and pulling them beneath the bed.

"Fuck fuck fuck." Said Kiba around Sasuke's fist. "Fuuuuuuuu-"

"Shut up." Sasuke bleated. "Shu-uh-uh-uh-utup."

"_Shh_ both of you." Naruto hissed. "keep your voices down. It knows you're here now. It won't forget. But that's no reason to call attention to yourselves."

Sasuke wrenched his fist from Kiba's mouth, having deemed him ready to control his voice.

"What do we do?" Kiba said and worked his jaw, "what the _hell_ do we do?"

"We _live_." Naruto replied. "We stay quiet, and we live under my bed for the rest of our lives."

"OhGODNO-" Sasuke jammed his hand in Kiba's mouth again. A sound came from the bathroom, an odd chittering sort of noise, and the group fell silent for a long moment until the noise faded again. "You keep your _dirty whore voice down_, Kiba." Sasuke ground out. "Naruto, have you been hiding from it this whole time? Two days?"

"Yes." Naruto nodded. "Hiding. Watching. Waiting. Decoy Doll Naruto lacked patience, he tried to breach the perimeter." Naruto's fist clenched unconsciously. "It ate his doll goo. Ate it right in front of me."

"…Doll goo-"

"Not now." Sasuke interrupted. "Naruto we don't have the ability to subsist on dust and what looks like your own clothes like you do. We need to get out of here."

"You sound just like Decoy Doll Naruto did." Naruto said, tough, jaded. Like he'd seen it all before. "And it ate the goddamn Doll goo right out of his goddamn Doll goo-sac."

"What the fuck are you saying!" Kiba snapped.

Chittering came from the bathroom, and they fell silent as legs like bedposts thumped along the floor in front of them. Paused for a moment, then more clicks. Wet noises. Something dropped down in front of them. Decoy-Doll Naruto's wig, but it was wet with Doll-goo and digestive fluids. The legs vanished out of sight, and the three took a breath they were painfully aware they'd been holding.

"That sick fuck." Naruto spoke first.

"We need to get the hell out of here." Kiba spoke second.

"We need a plan." Sasuke went last. "Maybe a distraction? We throw something and run while its attention is elsewhere."

"Throw _what_." Said Kiba.

"Of course, our _clothes_." Naruto contributed, immediately yanking off his pants and hurling them through the window before anyone could stop him. Not even a chitter sounded for his efforts. "My legs are cold, guys."

"Plan B." Sasuke continued, "maybe we can reason with it? Find out what it wants, maybe make a deal."

Naruto shook his head. "You can't."

"We can try." Said Kiba, and he racked his brain for a moment, trying to think of things that spiders would want. "What do we have to offer?"

"…Ourselves." Sasuke muttered ominously. "Only ourselves, and what we have on us."

Kiba picked up on the subtext within milliseconds, and clamped onto the bedframe just in time. Naruto was not likewise prepared, and was launched from beneath the bed as if he'd had a running start.

Naruto shrieked. But then he ran out of breath, and laid for there for a bit, quietly. He got a feel for his limbs; namely that they were still there, and hesitantly stood as Kiba and Sasuke looked on.

Naruto looked down at himself, then around, then at the open door. He turned back to Sasuke and Kiba. "Uh. Well, I-OH GOD BLARG

Naruto fell beneath a wave of black hair and glowing eyes. Kiba and Sasuke emerged from beneath the bed, blocked in by the scuffle but ready to run. They couldn't tell exactly what was happening. Legs were thumping down, fingers clawing, hands punching, fangs snapping.

"Oh god help me!" Naruto screamed from beneath the spider. "Help me it's raping me!"

"No, Naruto!" Kiba shouted back, "No, It's only eating you!"

"No it's _raping_ _me_! Why does every animal I meet try to rape me!"

"It's _eating_ you!"

"No means _Nooooo_-_!_"

Sasuke blew a fireball at Naruto, hitting the spider by accident. The thing immediately and violently exploded, covering the three with chunks of exoskeleton and green fluid.

Sasuke and Kiba stood like that for some time, coming to terms with their situation.

Naruto remained on his back. Weeping. "Fucking Decoy Doll Naruto," he sobbed. "You. Have been. _A__venged_."

Sasuke very slowly pinched the bridge of his nose.

* * *

**END**

* * *

_an: oh god I really wrote this._


	7. Naruto Finds the Lord

Naruto said nothing as Kiba and Sasuke stood before him. His eyes remained closed, hands gently clacking along a string of prayer beads; his unmoving shoulders clothed in robe. Naruto remained sitting, cross-legged in his chair. "Aaaaahm." He said.

Sasuke spit in his face. Literally. "Fuck you." He said, and the glob of spit dribbled down Naruto's face as he seethed over to his seat by the window.

"Yes, you would say that with your tiny, unenlightened mind," Naruto called after him sedately, then turned to Kiba. "fret not, dear Kibbers, for I have been to the mountaintop, and drank from the fountain of knowledge, and sat upon the face of hey - _hey_! Fucking get back here!"

"No." Said Kiba, and he sat down a few rows back in another of the window-seats.

"Kibbleton," Naruto said sternly, a calm washing over him once again, "aren't you curious about my sexy robes?"

"No."

"Ah, but Kiba-the-hut, aren't you wondering about my luscious, full head of where am I going with this. _Basically_," Naruto said, "I found the lord."

"Is this gonna be one of those days?" Said Kiba. "Because I hate those days. They make me sad."

"You need not be ailed with little bitch tears when you have found enlightenment, Kibaruski." Naruto said. "Come, sit beside me and I will tell you of our savior."

"I may kill you today." Sasuke said. "Maybe."

Kiba shook his head. "Even if you weren't especially insane today I still wouldn't sit near you."

"And that is why you fail." Naruto said. "I mean. Dude, you should totally invite the savior into your ladyparts. It'd be mega awesome Kibarasama."

"I-"

"Ta."

"No."

"It's not a cult this time I swear."

"I don't think you're qualified to swear."

Naruto rested his prayer beads on his desk. "I will tell you the tale of my enlightenment, and you will understand."

"I doubt that."

"I was resting, meditating." Naruto began, " just last night or yesterday or whenever."

* * *

Naruto rested in a post-ramen-binge bliss, flat on his back in his apartment. He, for the second time that hour, wondered what it would be like to be a snake. He considered wiggling around with his arms and legs at his sides, but the last time he'd done that it ended in a double-homicide so he figured he'd better not. It was night, cold, the two working bulbs in his apartment cast a gloomy, clammy sort of light over his couch and dining table.

"I'm hungry." Naruto said, brushing empty ramen containers off his chest as he worked himself up. "Flame on!" Flames erupted from his body and propelled him to his fridge, whereupon they vanished from whence they came. "Fridge on!" He roared. The fridge sat there like an asshole.

"Fuck you fridge!" Naruto said, "Why won't my magic work on you!" He then realized he didn't even need anything from the fridge, and pulled another plastic ramen tin from the crate he'd purchased a month back. He boiled the water, burned himself on the kettle, cursed, challenged it to a duel, lost, then finally sat and started eating.

"Oi, kid." The ramen said; its noodles swirling and clumping together into a pair of lips.

"What?" said Naruto.

"Have you heard the good news?"

"Golly gee nipple-hardening willickers, what news ramen man?"

"Why the news about the lord, my dear boy." The ramen said. "The lord **Gulhsthlsha.**" All the glass in his house splintered at the sound.

"**Gulhsthlsha?" **Naruto said, and he felt a piece of himself shrivel. And then it was gone, and he was less. But there was something else there now. A piece of something else. He could feel it. Like the sickly, sticky wet of seaweed draped down his spine. "What news, good ramen?"

"Why the lord is returning of course." Said the ramen. "And he is hungry for the souls of the innocent."

"Capital _Wowzers_, that is good news!" Naruto said. Yes, it was good news wasn't it. His lord would smile upon him when he crossed into this world. "What can I do to help?"

"Why, find some followers of course. And sacrifice them in his name!"

"Golly!"

* * *

"And then it was now." Naruto said. "And then I **GahfawolsFUWOLOSOQU-**" Darkness erupted from him and killed everyone. The end.

* * *

_an: eh._


	8. Naruto is one Sexy Son of a Bitch

Through some twisted form of Pavlovian conditioning Sasuke found himself grinding his teeth at the mere sight of Naruto in an orange formal suit. He tried to look away, concern his mind with other things, but the color held his eyes , and a bead of blood dribbled from his nose down his chin.

Kiba noticed that Sasuke was looking especially crazy that morning, and deduced even before he turned around what was behind him.

Naruto stood there, in formal wear, cane in hand. He spoke. "I find myself amidst the trial of temptation, held betwixt a temptress and the inevitable human frailty with nary a thought or ruse for recompense. And so I find I must beseech thee: Kibbleton, Sasukuruzulah; would'st thou aid me in my journey?"

Kiba said "Wut."

"Help me seduce Sakura, dipshit. I got the suit and cane, so like. I figure I'm halfway there. But I need a braintrust right now, okay? Seriously."

"Girls like massive head wounds, don't they Kiba?" Sasuke said. "I hear they're all the rage."

Kiba gave an aside to Sasuke, "remember what happened with the fireball? You'll only make him stronger." Then he turned to Naruto. "Explain the logic of the suit please."

"Right?" Naruto said. "Ok great. So like, what else can I do? I mean. I already shaved. Like, everywhere. I mean I pulled them apart and-"

"Silence." Sasuke said. Then added, "uh. Girls… like a guy who can listen."

Naruto said, "and I really just _dug in there-_"

"All the time." Sasuke continued. "To everything they say and do without interrupting them ever."

"Yeah." Kiba waved, "but back to the orange suit and the cane real quick. Who… Like, why?"

"Good job." Naruto said. "So I mean, I like. I've done everything I can to myself. So, come on, hit me. What else?"

"The _suit_."

"Right? Totally."

"You're not answering anything!"

"Girls like corpses, don't they Kiba?" Sasuke said. "Everyone loves corpses."

"_No_. Just." Kiba grasped at straws. "Flowers. _Goddamn_. Flowers and shit. Shit in the flowers. Whatever."

"Pull it out." Sasuke said. "Walk up and show it to her. Make sure to jiggle it around girls are totally into that."

"All good suggestions." Naruto said. "Alright, thanks guys." He caught a flash of pink from the corner of his eye and straightened, preening some creases out of his formal wear. "Oh shit here she comes."

"You know what to do." Sasuke said. "Go. _Now_."

"I'm so goddamn pumped you don't even know." Naruto said. Then he strutted over to Sakura, catching her before she could take her seat. He spun his cane beneath his arm, and tipped his hat to her.

"Good morning SakurAUUUULG-" Naruto vomited in Sakura's face so hard he knocked her over.

"Holy shit god no!" Sakura cried out, trying to claw a hole in the floor. Naruto read the atmosphere and quickly tore off his pants, assured his furious and somewhat painful gyrations would soothe the savage beast. Sakura mule-kicked him in the crotch so hard that he died instantly.

* * *

_end_

* * *

_an: my spaghetti runneth over._

_also I would rather fight a very large spider than that very same spider's weight in tiny spiders._


	9. The Return of DecoyDoll, the Returnining

"So, hey." Sasuke began, slightly hesitant to mention anything concerning the matter, "does uh. Naruto seem different to you?"

Kiba glanced up from where he'd been tracing idle patterns on his desk. "Hm? Different how?"

"Well." Sasuke glanced over at Naruto.

In Naruto's chair sat a large, poorly sewn doll crammed into one of Naruto's orange sweatsuits, with the remains of an old mop crudely spread on its head.

"Well. I mean like…"

One of its button eyes fell off and started spinning on the desk.

"Is his hair different?"

"Hmm?" Kiba spun in his seat, worried that Naruto could have injured someone with his hair again.

The doll slid down in its seat slightly. The mop-end slid off and slapped against the floor.

Kiba sighed in relief. "What are you talking about, man?" He turned back to his tracing. "He's the same as always."

"Hn." Sasuke shook his head. "No. Something's off. I just can't put my finger on it."

Its other button eye fell off. A seam on its head tore and a tuft of cotton poked out.

"Shit I just can't put my finger on it."

"Don't worry about it." Said Kiba. "I'm sure it's nothing."

Sasuke grit his teeth as Iruka started taking roll. "It's never nothing." He said. "Never."

"Well maybe it is this time."

Sasuke said, "It's not."

"Well it could be."

"His teeth." Sasuke scowled. "It's like, his teeth are different."

Kiba glanced at Naruto. "His teeth are fine, man. Just let this one go."

"Kiba?" Iruka called.

"I'm _hurr_." Kiba chortled at his own wittiness.

"Fuck. Something is off, I'm positive." Sasuke said, a blood vessel very slowly swelling along his temple. "I just need to see what."

"He's _fine_. Goddamn."

"Sasuke?" Iruka called.

Sasuke waved at him. "He's not fine. He's never fine. It's always something. _Always_."

"Naruto?" Iruka called.

The doll slid down a little further in its seat. Another seam near the collar of the sweatsuit split and a bundle of wheat poked out.

"Naruto." Iruka said, looking at him hard. "Just say 'here' and we can move on."

The doll said nothing.

"_Naruto_." The man gestured widely. "Come on. The class is waiting."

"Naruto!" Kiba added, "goddamn, just say 'here' already."

"I'll mark you absent." Iruka said. "Do you want that? Because I can do that. That's what going to happen if you don't say 'here.'"

A seam where Naruto's left ear would have been popped. Clear fluid dribbled out.

"Alright. _Absent_." Iruka said, stretching the word as he drew a careful slash through Naruto's name. "There. You happy?"

"NOOOOOO!" Came a mighty cry, and Naruto exploded through the window above Shikamaru, showering him in glass and potentially blinding him. He landed in a crouch at the front of the room and rose slowly. He looked a mess: clothes torn, face bruised and bloodied, but he was still standing strong. "He's an imposter!" Naruto said, and jabbed a finger at the doll in his seat, "that fucker, right there!"

"Oh just what we need," Iruka said, "two goddamn Naruto's."

"You thought you'd killed me, didn't you!" Naruto said, "thought you'd committed the perfect crime! With me gone and you legally dead, you thought you'd take my place! Well I broke out of that damn coffin, and I dug out of that damn hole!" He held up his hands, and the fingers were raw. "And I ran straight here because I knew you'd be here! Too fucking _proud_! Too fucking _arrogant_, no way you'd leave without a good kick through the grave!"

A seam right on the doll's forehead popped, more fluid poured out.

"Shut up!" Naruto said, and started towards it. "You're done. Here and now. You won't be getting the inheritance, fucker! No. If you'd left the ramen alone, I might have let you live. But you had to touch it, didn't you! Couldn't keep your damn dirty mitts off it!"

The doll sat there.

"You fucker you don't get to mention her name!" Naruto launched himself at the doll, and they fell to the floor in a pile. They spun, rolled, fists squeaked down, stuffing gently poofed into the air, crumbled wheat did wheat things.

"Shit!" Iruka, the only responsible and liable one said, just outside the fray, "shit who's the real Naruto!"

"Kill him!" Naruto cried, the doll atop him limply, "fucking kill him he's gone mad!" The doll continued to do nothing.

"Who do I kill!" Iruka said, "Goddamnit _who do I kill!_"

"No!" Naruto groaned, hands around the doll's, forcing it up away from him. "No I won't die here! You won't kill me here!"

The doll continued to do nothing.

"Fuuuuck! _Yooooooou_!" Naruto pushed the limb away completely, and sunk a Kunai into the dolls neck. The doll continued to be limp. He pushed it off of him, panting, weeping. "Goddamnit." Naruto said, hovering over the doll, caressing its face. "We were brothers. _Brothers_ goddamnit! Why did you have to do it! _Why_! Shit. Shit what a fuckin mess."

"Okay wait is evil-Naruto dead?" Kiba said. "I'm confused."

"Not now Kibbleton." Naruto said. "Not now." Naruto drew up the doll, and carried out behind the academy, buried it in the ground there. He said a few words, and returned to the academy to maybe start a fire or something, he wasn't sure yet. Behind him, the fresh grave sat there.

Nothing happened.

* * *

**END**


	10. The Legend of Sasuke

Sasuke was dreaming. His brother was there, smirking out of reach. His legs were heavy with dream-molasses, arms weighted down by fear. He was also hungry to the point of near debilitation. "Asshole." Sasuke called out, voice warbling down the hall as though he were in a looping cave; all tin and echo. "Get over here and smash your face against my fist."

"… No." Itachi said. "I'm too busy killing everyone you love and stuff."

"Fuck you." Sasuke pulled a boomerang from his pocket and wound up for a magnificent throw.

"Listen." Itachi said. "Sasuke, listen."

"Fuck you get out of my earholes." the boomerang whipped from his hand with a sound like a cracked whip. Itachi deflected it with a nicely timed pelvic thrust.

"Listen!" Itachi said again, "listen!"

"I do what I want."

"You fucking listen!" Naruto's voice roared in his ear. Sasuke seized awake and out of bed to the cold floor. "Fuck you Naruto!" He immediately shot back, even half-delirious and fresh from sleep. "Get out of my house!"

"Listen!" Naruto said, and fluttered into view before Sasuke's face. He was much smaller than Sasuke remembered, only a few inches in height, and two luminous orange wings jutted from his back. "Dipshit listen to me right goddamn now!"

"_What_." Sasuke said.

"Come on." Naruto shot to the door in a swirling beam of orange. "Out the door, we have to start the adventure right goddamn now."

"I'm going back to bed."

"I will rape you!" Naruto roared, "I will rape you _right in your butthole_ _if you don't follow me this instant_!"

"Shit. _Alright_, just stop yelling." Sasuke groaned and stood. He looked down and saw what he was wearing. Some green tunic and burlap pants. And his room was different, just an empty box of wood and a bed, and huge ornamental vases everywhere. A deep and instinctive hatred filled him at the sight of them. He shook out his head and started for the door, where Naruto waited impatiently, fluttering about in orange circles and cursing under his breath.

"Come on. Fuck. Don't forget to shake out your vagina. Because you're a girl. And girls have those things."

"Very good." Sasuke said as they started out into the beyond. "They do have those things. Good job."

"Come on. We have to see the old guy or whatever." Naruto shot off into the village, leaving a clear hanging trail behind him. Sasuke followed it absently. He wondered if Konoha had always been so rural. There weren't many other houses, and they were simple one-room cabins themselves, framed by grass and trees, and far beyond were rolling hills and seagulls. It was scenic and calming. He came to the elder guy's house, and seeing no alternative let himself in.

"Hey what the fuck!" An old man inside shouted at the sight of him, "the shit are you doing in here!"

Sasuke tilted his head, "I was-"

"Just letting yourself in like a jackass? Yeah I noticed."

Sasuke sighed. "Whatever. I'll just leave then." He turned to go.

"Hey asshole, wait; it's dangerous to go alone. Take this!"

Sasuke turned back and a ripe fruit exploded in his face.

The old man palmed another fruit. "Why don't you take all my money while you're at it, shithead!" He threw the fruit. Sasuke let it flop down his face. "How about you break all my fucking vases too, asshole!"

Sasuke turned to leave.

"You forgot the sword or whatever."

Sasuke turned and the hilt of a finely made sword cracked him across the face. Seeing nothing else for it, he picked up the sword and ventured outside again. Naruto was waiting for him there.

"Finally. Jesus – your vagina catch on something?"

"Yes."

"I… Fuck you. Come on, there's stuff to do or whatever."

Naruto led him off into the woods. Mostly woods, there were rocks and streams and hidden caverns everywhere; Sasuke wasn't sure where they were going, and they passed by obvious treasures left and right. Still he went with it, mostly because he figured he was still dreaming.

They came upon a flat-topped rock in a clearing, with a slot in the top of the rock. Sasuke implied the rest and approached it, sword in hand. He reared back for a down-thrust.

"Whoa whoa!" Naruto fluttered in front of his face, arms spread wide. "Stop, man! The fuck are you doing!"

"This is obviously for the sword." Sasuke said, and held the sword up for Naruto to see.

"No it's not." The sword said. The front of Kiba's face poked out from the flat of the blade. "I mean, no I'm not. Idiot."

"It's clearly not." Naruto said. "Look at the hole. It's thin and rectangular, that sword will never fit in that small square hole dipshit!"

"Duh." Kiba's face said. "What are you, stupid?"

"Well what's it _for_ th-"

"Put your dick in the stone." Naruto said.

Sasuke said, "What?"

"Put. Your dick. In the stone." Naruto reiterated tensely, "Right. _Now_."

"Yeah see? Right now." Kiba said.

"I'm not doing that."

"Do you want me to violate you?" Naruto said. "Is that something you want?"

"No."

Naruto buzzed closer to Sasuke's face. "Are you sure? Because it seems like you really want that. Hey master sword, is he asking for it?"

"Well he would be." Kiba's face said. "Unless he were to stick his dick in the stone. Then he'd be super cool."

Sasuke said, "Even if I did it'd just _mash_-"

"Believe in the heart of the cards!" Naruto crowed at him, "Fuck damn, just do it poser!"

"Activate your Redline!" Kiba said, "and turbo-boost into _our hearts_! And also that rock!"

"…Even if it were cold out," Sasuke said, "the mechanics just aren't-"

"It's your destiny." Naruto said, "you are the chosen one; they're after you! Follow the white rabbit! Quick, stick your dick in this rock!"

"Hey doesn't that rock sort of look like a vagina?" Kiba said, "Right? This doing anything for you?"

"That slot is at _most_ a half-inch wide." Sasuke said.

"You know what else is half an inch wide?" Naruto said, "loving my country. I mean – your butthole. _Before-"_

"I'm literally the most trustworthy sword for miles." Kiba said, "just put your dick in the stone, okay?"

Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Alright, fuck it. Move over Naruto."

"Yes." Naruto said. "Yes."

Awkward positioning followed. Sasuke went at it at a few different angles; for a short while. Naruto chimed in a few times, with comments on technique and the current windspeed and air humidity and the like.

Then Kiba abruptly went up in heaving laughter. "I can't hold it oh my shit he's actually doing it."

Naruto went off too. "I know!"

Before Sasuke could reply a blond girl in regal robes emerged from the brush. "Hey what the _fuck_ are you doing!"

Sasuke quickly pulled his pants up. "Oh I uh- no-"

"Were you having sex with that rock?"

"N-"

"Alas, fair maiden," Naruto fluttered to her side, "this man was indeed shamwowing that rock. Bamboozling it, as it were. With his lincoln logs. With his tiddly winks. Yahtzee."

"We tried to stop him," the Kiba Sword called out, "but he wouldn't listen. Couldn't control his degenerate urges."

"Why I bet this very moment he's dreaming of – of smacking your firm buttocks with his hand." Naruto said, "Or perhaps squeezing them, or even flying up your dress with his tiny orange wings – what a scoundrel, eh princess? I bet he wipes back to front."

"Hey, princess or whoever!" The Kiba Sword called, "I'd rather serve you than this jackass. Come over and pick me up, and store me in your cleavage."

She did. Then she and Kiba and Naruto vanished into the brush and wished away on an epic journey of bombs and woe and vases.

Sasuke sighed.

Deep down, he knew it was somehow Itachi's fault.

* * *

end

* * *

_an:so much class in one place, I know. this thing exploded out of me and it got all over my keyboard._

_also pretty sure this is too stupid to post. _


	11. Curse words, etcetera

Iruka was mid-lecture. Shikamaru was sleeping on the floor, having fallen from his chair. Kiba was waiting for the inevitable. Then sure enough there was a disturbance: footsteps came from the hall. Kiba checked Sasuke for confirmation and saw him clench, and then he could only sigh, and pray.

"Holy shit." The door exploded, showering the room with shrapnel and potentially blinding Shikamaru. Naruto was there in the frame, covered in dirt and scratches. "Sorry I'm late guys I fell down a goddamn mineshaft."

Iruka said, "Did you just use the door?"

"Because _apparently_ Konoha has fucking mineshafts everywhere. I –what?"

"You just used a door like a human."

"Well I've been stuck in a _mine_ for like a _week_. I'm off my game okay."

"I saw you on my way in this morning. You were using ladders as stilts, remember?"

"All I remember is workin the mine." Naruto said, "Digging for gold and dreams, and putting food on my kid Naruto junior." He paused. "I mean, like on his plate. Not on him directly."

"Naruto I saw you less than twenty minutes ago."

"You calling me a liar?" Naruto tensed up, "are you invalidating my backbreaking, painful scratching bleeding week of labor? Look at me. Fuggin loogame! Okay! I _smell_! I _smell_ like _farts_! And my _foot hurts_! And I _can't find_ Naruto junior! I think! He's been kidnapped, and raped! Like right now! Someone is raping him right now! And you tell me I ain't done shit? Fuck you!"

"What?"

Kiba said, "Iruka I think he fell in that pothole by Ichiraku's."

"Oh yeah then how do you explain all this gold I excavated?" Naruto reached into his pockets and pulled out two large handfuls of loose dirt. "Wait wrong pockets, sorry." Naruto jittered around for a second, seeming unsure of what to do with himself. "Guys I need someone to hold my dirt."

"I don't know if you've seen it, Iruka." Kiba continued, "It's like a five minute walk _that_ way, I think it's getting bigger. Yesterday it ate Chouji."

"Oh, that one?" Iruka nodded, "Yeah I guess that'd be it."

"I'll put it here for now." Naruto walked over and plopped his handfuls of dirt on Sasuke's desk. "Don't touch my dirt Princess Sokahontis."

Sasuke had an aneurism.

Naruto started fishing around in his pockets again. "I have gold in here somewhere I swear. Ok. Oh, here it is."

"Five bucks says it's rocks."

"Eat your own asshole, Kiba." Naruto pulled out a spider the size of a dinner plate. "Also give me five bucks. See what I ha-OHGODBLARG" It leaped directly onto his face, the force knocking him over. Everyone started screaming. Iruka retrieved a broom and started beating at Naruto, mostly hitting his legs and shins.

* * *

**END**

* * *

_an: pretty uninspired I know. just wanted to put something out there so you guys don't think I'm dead. Been butthurt about life and junk, not doing much of anything._


	12. Magichands

The time: twelve in the morning. The academy was figuratively on fire, though if it happened to combust no one would really notice. The chalk slipped out of Iruka's fingers for the third time that hour, but half-delirious from heat-stroke he didn't notice, fingers squeaking along the chalkboard as he kept muttering about politics.

Then Naruto made the observation no one needed to hear. He stood and spread his arms wide, a flock of terrified and confused doves exploding from his sleeves in a majestic curtain of white. Then he proclaimed to the world: "It's fucking hot!"

In a flawless Pavlovian response to Naruto's words Kiba immediately felt himself grow a few degrees warmer.

"If my balls had balls," Naruto continued against everyone's will, "My balls would be swimming in ball soup too. It would be Triple ball soup - a soup fit for Kings."

"Naruto stop" Sasuke said.

"My balls are literally the coolest thing on me right now. If my body were to reel them back in, I would cool off. Were my body to get into a closer proximity to my balls? Steam. Billowing steam like a goddamn volcano gushing into the ocean. That's what would happen."

Sasuke started to melt. "Guys help me"

"If I started jacking it I would _combust_. And you know what? I would cool off. If I were to catch on fire, the fire would cool me off. _That's_ how hot it is."

"Oh god make him stop" Sasuke pleaded, "Kiba do something"

"If my balls weren't stuck to my chair I would be kicking your ass right now." Kiba threw Akamaru's panting form at Naruto, but it was countered with a flock of doves that he fired from his sleeve. "If you took off your goddamn jumpsuit you would cool off _immediately_, dipshit!"

"You think it's easy to look this good?" Naruto countered, "You think I just get up and look like this? No! The jacket completes the look asshole!"

"The jacket completes your face when I shove it up my ass!" Kiba shot back deliriously.

"You take that back!" Naruto threw a handful of doves in Kiba's general direction, missing and potentially blinding Shikamaru. "Have at you!"

"Bring it shitlord!" Kiba stood, taking his chair with him, and launched at Naruto. Naruto released yet more doves into the room; they clung to his jumpsuit and started flapping, giving him a crude parody of flight. Naruto and Kiba clashed directly over Sasuke's desk. The clash consisted of weak, open handed slaps and lasted for about three seconds. They both went lightheaded and had to sit down.

"Truce?" Naruto held out his fist in Kiba's general direction.

Kiba held out his own fist, and they almost but didn't quite brush together between them.

"Banana nut sunday." Kiba said and passed out.

Naruto chortled. "Way to get heat stroke pussOHGODBLARG- " Naruto went up in flames. "Oh wait guys I'm actually cooling down." He started laughing. "Wow I was right for once- wait I was wrong! _I was so wrong_!" Naruto went into a stop-drop-and-roll; a maneuver he'd used, to date, twenty-three times, and as such his form was flawless. "I was at least _three_ wrong! That's how wrong I was about fire cooling me off!"

"I'm dying" Sasuke clung to life, "someone pour something on me"

Sakura saw an opportunity if there ever was one, but as she poured her bottle of water over him it became superheated in the air, sizzling as it draped down the back Sasuke's neck.

"Ohhhh… that's nice." Sasuke let out a sigh. "The joke is it's hot."

* * *

_an: blalkjahgkjh_


End file.
